This week has been a rough one.
I grew up as the youngest of 3 sisters.
My eldest sister was almost 8 years my senior, the other one nearly 5 years.
So, growing up, the one closest to me, both in age and in shared interests was my "youngest" sister.
She was my role-model and we spent many hours playing and sometimes also fighting with each other.
I read her books and she read mine.
When we were on holidays we were playing stuntmen together, ruining our new trousers, and my Mum just took out a filmcamera.....
When I was around 12 years old, I decided to have my hair cut short. (George of the Famous Five was my inspiration, and I did identify with her at the time). My sister went with me and also had her hair cut short.
When I was around 17 years old, I found an ad for a free lesson jiu jitsu, so I took my Dad and my sister with me.
My sister and I first had a course self-defence for girls, and after that we took jiu jitsu lessons, great times!
Yes, we were always covered in bruises, but it was so much fun.
Fast forward to september last year, I was chatting with my sister on facebook, it was her youngest daughters birthday, so a good reason for a little chat (although we never needed any reason at all for it, as we were really close)
All of the sudden she told me she's transgender and would like to be called by a male name and male nouns and pronouns.
As some of you may have read in my previous blogpost, it felt like my sibling was trying to commit suicide again.
Of course I love my sibling, and I would like to avoid hurting my siblings feelings, but it was quite a shock, and I explained that I can't use a male name,e.g. right away, but that I would do all I could to avoid using the birthname and female nouns or pronouns. This is exactly what I did, and if by accident I did use she/her or her birthname, I would apologise.
There have been a few akward moments when it was hardly avoidable to use a name, and probably it would have been the easiest way to use the chosen name, but right there and then my emotions rushed in.
And let me tell you, to some I may look like an ocean of calm and inner peace, but this is really tearing me apart. I feel like a good part of my life is a lie. And I feel like a part of my soul gets ripped out when someone is demanding to use a male name for my sibling (who was almost like a twin to me). I can't even start to describe the pain and hurt. And it hurts even more to read a statement like this on the blog of my sibling: "Know also, that eventually this may lead me to a point where I can take
it no longer and either cut you out of my life, or end my life
altogether."
And then there was one of those comments on this blog:
" What iota of a difference does our transitioning make to their lives?
Besides learning a new name and a few new pronouns?My dog has that
learning ability, for heaven’s sake!"
and my siblings reply to it:
" Sometimes dogs – and cats – really are smarter than some people. And certainly more compassionate."
I have also been commenting there:
"You know I always try to avoid calling you by your , birthname in your presence. xxx love you. xxx I’m trying as much as I can, not to hurt you. xxx" . and my siblings reply: "Yes dear. And I’m sure you’ll be very happy to know that I always try to
avoid gossiping about you in your presence. Because that’s just about
as respectful as what you are doing to me. What you really should be
doing, is trying – and trying very hard – to finally start calling me by
my name, instead of always tiptoeing around it. Always, and not just in
my presence. My chosen name of course. Because in doing what you are
doing now, you are still denying my true identity. You may not mean to
hurt me, but you do."
So I tried a bit harder to explain:"Don’t get me wrong in this, I don’t try to deny you anything, but I’m
simply a human being with human feelings too, and if I hurt so much that
I can’t take care of my family, because my sibling is expecting more of
me than I can give right now, I’m sorry for that. The way I have been
treating you hasn’t been disrespectful at all, on the contrary, I try to
keep all my questions of the past few weeks to my own, just not to hurt
you. So please, respect my feelings too. It might take some more time
for a human being with human feelings than for a dog to learn a few new
tricks, as someone called it (WRONG THERE!!! NO TRICKS!!! FEELINGS
INVOLVED!!!)"
and here's the next reply:"Look sis, you’re just going to have to call me by my chosen name. No
more tiptoeing around it. I’m not “you-know-who” or “a very special
person” or whatever else you come up with. You know my name. Use it.
If you can’t do that, then you’ll leave me no choice and I will sever
our ties until the time when you can call me by my name. No use going on
hurting each other all the time."
So here we are, it seems we are at odds, although I have been doing everything in my might to show my respect for my sibling, it seems not to be appreciated. I seem to be the one who's disrespectful, but somehow I just feel like I'm the one who hasn't been treated very respectfully here.
Yes, I do respect my siblings feelings, and I try to do all I can to treat my sibling respectfully, but I wish there was a way to tell my sibling there are 2 sides to every story, and hurt is something every human being feels, there is no way to tell how much time it will take for my emotions to get to the point where I might be able to live up to my siblings demands, right now being able to take care of my own children, withouth crying constantly because my siblings demands hurt so much, is my priority.
I hope someone at the transgender clinic might be able to get this message across, there's no time limit to pain and healing of emotions. And when your family loves you, no matter what you are, it might be nice to accept your families limitations too.
vrijdag 15 mei 2015
dinsdag 21 oktober 2014
Grieving
Since a couple of weeks I have been grieving.....
When I was younger, someone I love very dearly and who is very close to me, tried to commit suicide twice.
Especially the second time, I had (and even still have, although it is approx. 20 years ago) the tendency to say 'when she committed suicide'.... She is still living, thankfully.
This time however she has decided to take her life in a different way.
However much I try to accept and respect this decision, I start blubbering the minute I think about it.
I don't go on facebook anymore, as I am grieving the minute I read a post about it, it makes me so very sad to loose someone who was probably the closest to me as it can be.........
I love her all the same, and will always do, but right now I just don't know what to do.
If you read this: I love you hun´, with all my heart. I hope I will find you back one day....
When I was younger, someone I love very dearly and who is very close to me, tried to commit suicide twice.
Especially the second time, I had (and even still have, although it is approx. 20 years ago) the tendency to say 'when she committed suicide'.... She is still living, thankfully.
This time however she has decided to take her life in a different way.
However much I try to accept and respect this decision, I start blubbering the minute I think about it.
I don't go on facebook anymore, as I am grieving the minute I read a post about it, it makes me so very sad to loose someone who was probably the closest to me as it can be.........
I love her all the same, and will always do, but right now I just don't know what to do.
If you read this: I love you hun´, with all my heart. I hope I will find you back one day....
donderdag 21 augustus 2014
Oesophagitis
Did you miss my blog updates this year?
Somehow, I just couldn't get myself to blogging.
One of the reasons is probably that this year already started challenging, healthwise, and remained so ever since.
In fact it was the day after Christmas... that it all started.
I really felt sick, which might of course have been due to the gourmet party at my in-laws, but if that would have been the real problem, I should have been feeling ok again after a couple of days. Instead it just grew worse and worse.
Just like in my pregnancies, I would get nauseous as soon as I got up in the morning. The smell of bread was an absolute no go, and coffee and meat are also on that list.
So even though a pregnancy shouldn't be possible at all, I was starting to fear that something with my husbands vasectomy might have been going wrong, or that nature would have found a way to heal it somehow.
Major relief when that wasn't the case, but I still had these problems.
Even using omeprazol, a proton pump inhibator, didn't have any result, so the GP finally sent me on to a specialist.
My first appointment was somewhere by the end of June. Everything he could see/feel/hear seemed normal, so he decided on a bloodtest and a gastrocopy, although he warned that that might not show any reason for how I felt either, it would only be a slim chance. Since I don't like having all kind of yukkie things done to me, I asked him for a percentage, which he estimated around 25%. So I agreed to have it done. My gastrocopy was planned on the first of August, as I would like to be put under, before they would stick anything down my throat.
The first of August came, and my husband took me to the hospital. Over there he nurse insisted they usually had very good results with local anaesthetics, so I finally allowed her to do that.
How I have regretted that ever since!
The moment she started to spray the stuff inside my throat, it started to burn like hell! But 1 spray dose wasn't enough, so I had to allow 3 or 4 more times, major agony!!!
I will spare you the details of what it was like when the actual gastrocopy happened, but I think it will suffice to say the nurse made her apology afterwards, and said I should have had an aneasthetic after all.
Lesson 1: if you know you're really nowhere near a hero when it comes to stuff like this, don't let any nurse tell you to try someting else than a complete anaesthetic.
The gastrocopy showed a grade 3 oesophagitis, so the doctor who performed the gastrocopy, immediately prescribed me another proton pump inhibator, since I told him the omeprazol 20 mg didn't work for me.
When I met up with my family after probably 10-15 minutes, my middle one asked me what had happened to me, as the skin of my neck was looking so red. Of course, being a mum, and not having looked in the mirror yet, I told her not to worry, and that it was probably just something that happens right after you have a gastrocopy, and that it might sure fade away quickly.
Back home again my throat still felt completely raw, and the idea of a late breakfast wasn't anywhere near on my list of things I would eventually like to do. I finally decided on having an ice lolly, which was about the best I could think of to get down that sore throat.
Late in the afternoon it still hurt so much, that I decided to have a look in the mirror.
I had quite a rash on the skin of my cheeks and my neck, and my throat looked like I had a real throat infection. To make sure I could show it to the doctor, I took a picture of my rash. This is what it looked like:
On saturday I felt so horrible, I decided to call the weekenddoctor, but all they did was tell me to take ice lollies and I should be fine be sunday night.
Lesson 2: when you are sure your throat looks like you've got an infection, don't tell them you've had a gastrocopy the day before, or they will just tell you to eat ice lollies.
On monday I made an appointment with my GP, as I also have a bursitis, and painmedication, rest and exercises didn't work, so it was time for plan C,an injection.
As per miracle I could have an appointment that same afternoon, and while I was there anyway, I told her what had happened, and that I was still unable to eat any solids.
Oh well, she could have a quick look at my throat. Surprise! Yes, you've got a throat infection indeed!
She figured the rash, which was nearly gone by monday afternoon, may have been an allergic reaction to the local aneastetic. As my tongue was looking a bit misty, she thought I might have a candida infection in my mouth and throat, so she gave me nystatine for it.
After using that for a week it was only very slightly better, and as my GP was on holiday by then, so I decided to wait for my appointment with the specialist on wednesday. I told him the same story, showed the pictures of the rash, and he totally agreed with my GP, but decided to give me something else for my throat infection, which turned out much more user friendly and more effective.
The infection is still not gone, but I can eat solids again, and I have 6 more days to go with this round of medicines.
All in all, there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel.
The reason I wrote this blog entry, is that despite my searches on the internet, I couldn't find any information like this, so maybe I am just the only one with experiences like this, but if not, I would like to know, and hopefully my blogpost will help anyone who may be going through the same......
Somehow, I just couldn't get myself to blogging.
One of the reasons is probably that this year already started challenging, healthwise, and remained so ever since.
In fact it was the day after Christmas... that it all started.
I really felt sick, which might of course have been due to the gourmet party at my in-laws, but if that would have been the real problem, I should have been feeling ok again after a couple of days. Instead it just grew worse and worse.
Just like in my pregnancies, I would get nauseous as soon as I got up in the morning. The smell of bread was an absolute no go, and coffee and meat are also on that list.
So even though a pregnancy shouldn't be possible at all, I was starting to fear that something with my husbands vasectomy might have been going wrong, or that nature would have found a way to heal it somehow.
Major relief when that wasn't the case, but I still had these problems.
Even using omeprazol, a proton pump inhibator, didn't have any result, so the GP finally sent me on to a specialist.
My first appointment was somewhere by the end of June. Everything he could see/feel/hear seemed normal, so he decided on a bloodtest and a gastrocopy, although he warned that that might not show any reason for how I felt either, it would only be a slim chance. Since I don't like having all kind of yukkie things done to me, I asked him for a percentage, which he estimated around 25%. So I agreed to have it done. My gastrocopy was planned on the first of August, as I would like to be put under, before they would stick anything down my throat.
The first of August came, and my husband took me to the hospital. Over there he nurse insisted they usually had very good results with local anaesthetics, so I finally allowed her to do that.
How I have regretted that ever since!
The moment she started to spray the stuff inside my throat, it started to burn like hell! But 1 spray dose wasn't enough, so I had to allow 3 or 4 more times, major agony!!!
I will spare you the details of what it was like when the actual gastrocopy happened, but I think it will suffice to say the nurse made her apology afterwards, and said I should have had an aneasthetic after all.
Lesson 1: if you know you're really nowhere near a hero when it comes to stuff like this, don't let any nurse tell you to try someting else than a complete anaesthetic.
The gastrocopy showed a grade 3 oesophagitis, so the doctor who performed the gastrocopy, immediately prescribed me another proton pump inhibator, since I told him the omeprazol 20 mg didn't work for me.
When I met up with my family after probably 10-15 minutes, my middle one asked me what had happened to me, as the skin of my neck was looking so red. Of course, being a mum, and not having looked in the mirror yet, I told her not to worry, and that it was probably just something that happens right after you have a gastrocopy, and that it might sure fade away quickly.
Back home again my throat still felt completely raw, and the idea of a late breakfast wasn't anywhere near on my list of things I would eventually like to do. I finally decided on having an ice lolly, which was about the best I could think of to get down that sore throat.
Late in the afternoon it still hurt so much, that I decided to have a look in the mirror.
I had quite a rash on the skin of my cheeks and my neck, and my throat looked like I had a real throat infection. To make sure I could show it to the doctor, I took a picture of my rash. This is what it looked like:
On saturday I felt so horrible, I decided to call the weekenddoctor, but all they did was tell me to take ice lollies and I should be fine be sunday night.
Lesson 2: when you are sure your throat looks like you've got an infection, don't tell them you've had a gastrocopy the day before, or they will just tell you to eat ice lollies.
On monday I made an appointment with my GP, as I also have a bursitis, and painmedication, rest and exercises didn't work, so it was time for plan C,an injection.
As per miracle I could have an appointment that same afternoon, and while I was there anyway, I told her what had happened, and that I was still unable to eat any solids.
Oh well, she could have a quick look at my throat. Surprise! Yes, you've got a throat infection indeed!
She figured the rash, which was nearly gone by monday afternoon, may have been an allergic reaction to the local aneastetic. As my tongue was looking a bit misty, she thought I might have a candida infection in my mouth and throat, so she gave me nystatine for it.
After using that for a week it was only very slightly better, and as my GP was on holiday by then, so I decided to wait for my appointment with the specialist on wednesday. I told him the same story, showed the pictures of the rash, and he totally agreed with my GP, but decided to give me something else for my throat infection, which turned out much more user friendly and more effective.
The infection is still not gone, but I can eat solids again, and I have 6 more days to go with this round of medicines.
All in all, there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel.
The reason I wrote this blog entry, is that despite my searches on the internet, I couldn't find any information like this, so maybe I am just the only one with experiences like this, but if not, I would like to know, and hopefully my blogpost will help anyone who may be going through the same......
woensdag 1 januari 2014
Happy 2014!
First of all I would like to wish everyone a Very Happy New Year!
Yes, I know I haven't been blogging for quite a while, as it was the festive season, and it was a bit too busy to blog about everything that was going on. I did take pictures with the intention to blog, but just never got to it..
I'm planning to make up for it, so I thought to make a good start and write about our New Years Eve.
On the 31st of december I always go over to my mum, to bake some traditional food, Oliebollen & Appelbeignets. My DH just hates anything that might mess up the kitchen, and this sure does!
Mum loves baking and we just have lots of fun together, getting everything ready.
As you can see, my DD11 helped peeling apples and cutting them in thick slices.
My sister hosted the party this year, and she also had lots of yummie stuff like deviled eggs, deviled tomatoes, cheese cubes, cucumberslices, and the likes.
This year we bought some childrens firework, and allowed them to use it. Only, before everything was used it started raining, so they used the last bits of it in our garden this morning.
Now I just have to go back to mum tomorrow, and help her clean the kitchen, as she didn't want to do that yesterday, and I made her promiss not to do anything about it today.
Yes, I know I haven't been blogging for quite a while, as it was the festive season, and it was a bit too busy to blog about everything that was going on. I did take pictures with the intention to blog, but just never got to it..
I'm planning to make up for it, so I thought to make a good start and write about our New Years Eve.
On the 31st of december I always go over to my mum, to bake some traditional food, Oliebollen & Appelbeignets. My DH just hates anything that might mess up the kitchen, and this sure does!
Mum loves baking and we just have lots of fun together, getting everything ready.
As you can see, my DD11 helped peeling apples and cutting them in thick slices.
My sister hosted the party this year, and she also had lots of yummie stuff like deviled eggs, deviled tomatoes, cheese cubes, cucumberslices, and the likes.
This year we bought some childrens firework, and allowed them to use it. Only, before everything was used it started raining, so they used the last bits of it in our garden this morning.
Now I just have to go back to mum tomorrow, and help her clean the kitchen, as she didn't want to do that yesterday, and I made her promiss not to do anything about it today.
vrijdag 22 november 2013
More Friday Frenzies & Fun
Friday somehow always seems to be my most hectic day of the week.
I woke up early (because of DH's alarm) and after trying to get back to sleep for an hour, I gave up around 6 am and got up. I figured if I would manage to get back to sleep I wouldn't be able to wake up again in time.
So, I went downstairs and cleaned the fridge.
The girls got up in time too, so after bringing them to school, I went to the first grocery store and got my first round of groceries for the day. Then I went to a small special shop to buy my GF breadmix.
Back home I put away the groceries and made the bread dough.
After that I started walking the first bit of my postround, which gave the yeast some time to do it's work properly.
When I came back I put the bread in the oven, and asked DD13 to look after it, while I went to the second grocery store and got DD11 & DD8 back from school again for lunch. My bread was nicely baked and ready when I got back home.
So I put away the rest of the groceries and prepared lunch for everyone, and then it was time to bring the girls back to school again. I went to 2 different charity shops, where I bought nothing, just this time......
Back home I had to walk the rest of my postround, which I managed to do just before I had to get back to school to collect the girls again.
Yes, those 5 black crates were all filled with post which I had to deliver today, so you might be able to imagine why I am very happy to use a pram for the post....
All in all I was quite proud that I had managed to do all this, despite a very sore back.
I decided to relax a bit for the rest of the day, apart from cooking dinner, of course....
Yesterday I was shopping and found a christmas dress & hat for a wine bottle.
Being a doll addict I immediately decided this would work for 2 of my favourite dolls.
I had to adjust the dress a bit, but look how much fun this is:
The dress is just the right size for Ellowyne, and the hat is great for Daisy!
I woke up early (because of DH's alarm) and after trying to get back to sleep for an hour, I gave up around 6 am and got up. I figured if I would manage to get back to sleep I wouldn't be able to wake up again in time.
So, I went downstairs and cleaned the fridge.
Back home I put away the groceries and made the bread dough.
After that I started walking the first bit of my postround, which gave the yeast some time to do it's work properly.
When I came back I put the bread in the oven, and asked DD13 to look after it, while I went to the second grocery store and got DD11 & DD8 back from school again for lunch. My bread was nicely baked and ready when I got back home.
Back home I had to walk the rest of my postround, which I managed to do just before I had to get back to school to collect the girls again.
All in all I was quite proud that I had managed to do all this, despite a very sore back.
I decided to relax a bit for the rest of the day, apart from cooking dinner, of course....
Yesterday I was shopping and found a christmas dress & hat for a wine bottle.
Being a doll addict I immediately decided this would work for 2 of my favourite dolls.
I had to adjust the dress a bit, but look how much fun this is:
zondag 17 november 2013
Chocolate & Charity Shops
Last week we did run out of the chocolate mix we use to sprinkle on our cappucino.
So, that was one of those little tasks that needed to be done in this family B&B. (Seriously, I think it's more like an Inn, as my family doesn't only use it as B&B, but they also have lunch and dinner here.)
I got out cacao, cinnaman and sugar candy.
And with a little help from my late Gran´s coffee grinder, I made us some chocolate mix for our cappucino again.
Something I just wanted to share with you is this poem, which a friend of mine posted on my facebook wall:
Obiously I shouldn´t spend too much time dusting, so I guess our Family resort is going to be called 'The Dusty Dream Inn'.
Some of you may know I just love to go to charity shops.
Here are some of my latest finds:
I haven´t been taking pictures of everything I found over the past few weeks, but as you can see I found quite a few nice things.
Because of all the dollstuff, I also had a doll laundry day, which I do in my kitchen, with a special doll clothes cleaning product, called Perk, from Twin Pines of Maine.
With a family of 5 you may imagine there´s also quite a lot of real life sized laundry to be done, and that was only too true, as I hadn´t really been keeping up with it, so between washing some dollstuff, I wrestled my way through mount Washmore.......
So, that was one of those little tasks that needed to be done in this family B&B. (Seriously, I think it's more like an Inn, as my family doesn't only use it as B&B, but they also have lunch and dinner here.)
I got out cacao, cinnaman and sugar candy.
And with a little help from my late Gran´s coffee grinder, I made us some chocolate mix for our cappucino again.
Something I just wanted to share with you is this poem, which a friend of mine posted on my facebook wall:
Obiously I shouldn´t spend too much time dusting, so I guess our Family resort is going to be called 'The Dusty Dream Inn'.
Some of you may know I just love to go to charity shops.
Here are some of my latest finds:
 |
| Yay! A Daisy doll, a bit grubby, but she cleaned up beautifully |
 |
| And what´s that? Blossom Knickers! And in good condition too! |
 |
| doll outfits for my DD´s |
 |
| Moxie Girlz for the DD´s |
 |
| a chair for Daisy |
 |
| a teapot for the dollies |
 |
| a necklace which I intend to make another necklace with |
 |
| a book for DD8 |
 |
| a book for DD11 |
I haven´t been taking pictures of everything I found over the past few weeks, but as you can see I found quite a few nice things.
Because of all the dollstuff, I also had a doll laundry day, which I do in my kitchen, with a special doll clothes cleaning product, called Perk, from Twin Pines of Maine.
With a family of 5 you may imagine there´s also quite a lot of real life sized laundry to be done, and that was only too true, as I hadn´t really been keeping up with it, so between washing some dollstuff, I wrestled my way through mount Washmore.......
maandag 11 november 2013
The Family Bed & Breakfast and St Maarten
This rocked a memory in me, as I have been following The Fly Lady more or less for approximately 5 years.
If you have read my sisters blog post, you will know by now that it isn't an ordinary B&B, but a way of living in your own home with only your own family to take care off.
Here's a quote from her blog: "It's not a real business, but I will treat as if it were just that. I will have working hours and I will pay myself too. My pay probably won't be much more than 10 euro a week, but it will be money that I can use as I please. No strings attached. I'll just have to run my B&B as if it were a real business."
Well, the thought of a B&B, where everything is beautiful & calm and where you can relax and have all comfort at hand is appealing.
So, I will follow my sister on her path, and see what I can do with this concept.
First thing of course, is to get rid of the clutter. To me the kitchen is the heart of the home, so that's where I started working today. The kitchen counter is usually quite empty, as the hubby simply can't stand to see much on it. But, in one of the corners there were 3 empty glas jars, which I had cleaned to use for apple sauce or compote, but I ran out of apples, so instead of something useful, they now started to clutter the kitchen counter. Looking at them I realised that I had read something about the school needing empty glass jars, so I checked my email to make sure this was the case, then went to the shed to get out 4 more jars, and clean them, so they were all ready to go to school at lunchtime.
And speaking of lunchtime, I had just run out of GF bread this morning, so instead of buying the very expensive factory made bread, I baked my own very yummie and less expensive version, which was just ready at lunchtime:
Now, the kitchencounter itself is usually not cluttered at all, but we do have a cupboard on the opposite side of the kitchen, which tends to attract clutter, so I set myself to work on it, and this is how it looks right now:
Today it is the 11th of november, and as per custome, in the evening kids will go from door to door and sing a song and get some treats in return. They always love to do this, but DD13 is feeling to big for this.
I had to buy new lanterns this year, as we had ditched the old ones last year.
 |
| DD8 & DD11 with their lanterns |
Oh, of course, I should add pictures of a part of their loot. (yes, they had already been eating some of it before I even had a chance to take a piccie)
 |
| DD11's loot |
 |
| DD9's loot |
 |
| and everything of DD9's tin laid out (she really wanted to have a picture like this) |
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