This week has been a rough one.
I grew up as the youngest of 3 sisters.
My eldest sister was almost 8 years my senior, the other one nearly 5 years.
So, growing up, the one closest to me, both in age and in shared interests was my "youngest" sister.
She was my role-model and we spent many hours playing and sometimes also fighting with each other.
I read her books and she read mine.
When we were on holidays we were playing stuntmen together, ruining our new trousers, and my Mum just took out a filmcamera.....
When I was around 12 years old, I decided to have my hair cut short. (George of the Famous Five was my inspiration, and I did identify with her at the time). My sister went with me and also had her hair cut short.
When I was around 17 years old, I found an ad for a free lesson jiu jitsu, so I took my Dad and my sister with me.
My sister and I first had a course self-defence for girls, and after that we took jiu jitsu lessons, great times!
Yes, we were always covered in bruises, but it was so much fun.
Fast forward to september last year, I was chatting with my sister on facebook, it was her youngest daughters birthday, so a good reason for a little chat (although we never needed any reason at all for it, as we were really close)
All of the sudden she told me she's transgender and would like to be called by a male name and male nouns and pronouns.
As some of you may have read in my previous blogpost, it felt like my sibling was trying to commit suicide again.
Of course I love my sibling, and I would like to avoid hurting my siblings feelings, but it was quite a shock, and I explained that I can't use a male name,e.g. right away, but that I would do all I could to avoid using the birthname and female nouns or pronouns. This is exactly what I did, and if by accident I did use she/her or her birthname, I would apologise.
There have been a few akward moments when it was hardly avoidable to use a name, and probably it would have been the easiest way to use the chosen name, but right there and then my emotions rushed in.
And let me tell you, to some I may look like an ocean of calm and inner peace, but this is really tearing me apart. I feel like a good part of my life is a lie. And I feel like a part of my soul gets ripped out when someone is demanding to use a male name for my sibling (who was almost like a twin to me). I can't even start to describe the pain and hurt. And it hurts even more to read a statement like this on the blog of my sibling: "Know also, that eventually this may lead me to a point where I can take
it no longer and either cut you out of my life, or end my life
altogether."
And then there was one of those comments on this blog:
" What iota of a difference does our transitioning make to their lives?
Besides learning a new name and a few new pronouns?My dog has that
learning ability, for heaven’s sake!"
and my siblings reply to it:
" Sometimes dogs – and cats – really are smarter than some people. And certainly more compassionate."
I have also been commenting there:
"You know I always try to avoid calling you by your , birthname in your presence. xxx love you. xxx I’m trying as much as I can, not to hurt you. xxx" . and my siblings reply: "Yes dear. And I’m sure you’ll be very happy to know that I always try to
avoid gossiping about you in your presence. Because that’s just about
as respectful as what you are doing to me. What you really should be
doing, is trying – and trying very hard – to finally start calling me by
my name, instead of always tiptoeing around it. Always, and not just in
my presence. My chosen name of course. Because in doing what you are
doing now, you are still denying my true identity. You may not mean to
hurt me, but you do."
So I tried a bit harder to explain:"Don’t get me wrong in this, I don’t try to deny you anything, but I’m
simply a human being with human feelings too, and if I hurt so much that
I can’t take care of my family, because my sibling is expecting more of
me than I can give right now, I’m sorry for that. The way I have been
treating you hasn’t been disrespectful at all, on the contrary, I try to
keep all my questions of the past few weeks to my own, just not to hurt
you. So please, respect my feelings too. It might take some more time
for a human being with human feelings than for a dog to learn a few new
tricks, as someone called it (WRONG THERE!!! NO TRICKS!!! FEELINGS
INVOLVED!!!)"
and here's the next reply:"Look sis, you’re just going to have to call me by my chosen name. No
more tiptoeing around it. I’m not “you-know-who” or “a very special
person” or whatever else you come up with. You know my name. Use it.
If you can’t do that, then you’ll leave me no choice and I will sever
our ties until the time when you can call me by my name. No use going on
hurting each other all the time."
So here we are, it seems we are at odds, although I have been doing everything in my might to show my respect for my sibling, it seems not to be appreciated. I seem to be the one who's disrespectful, but somehow I just feel like I'm the one who hasn't been treated very respectfully here.
Yes, I do respect my siblings feelings, and I try to do all I can to treat my sibling respectfully, but I wish there was a way to tell my sibling there are 2 sides to every story, and hurt is something every human being feels, there is no way to tell how much time it will take for my emotions to get to the point where I might be able to live up to my siblings demands, right now being able to take care of my own children, withouth crying constantly because my siblings demands hurt so much, is my priority.
I hope someone at the transgender clinic might be able to get this message across, there's no time limit to pain and healing of emotions. And when your family loves you, no matter what you are, it might be nice to accept your families limitations too.
